Brown-John: Mr. Trump, how about we turn U.S. states into Canadian provinces?

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By: Lloyd Brown-John

Mr. Trump:

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I refrain from the more formal “Dear.” Really don’t want folks to gain any impression that I share any fondness whatsoever for you.

Recently you’ve demonstrated an inordinate interest in joining Canada. You hosted our lame duck prime minister in Married Largo and then you asked if you could join Canada and he could become governor of your 51st state.

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Well, sir, that is a peculiar response but I do detect within your behavioural pattern a passion for you personally to belong to, or conjoin with, Canada.

Sigmund Freud coined a phrase in 1908 about envy that might help all of us understand your envious desire to belong to Canada. Of course the envy thing also seems to involve substantial flutters into fantasy.

With the exception of about 13 per cent of Canadians, most of whom probably live in the wilds of Alberta, an overwhelming number of Canadians have no interest in becoming Americans.

I mean, after all, our entire country was initiated and developed on the premise that we don’t want to be Americans. So, as you apparently enjoy negotiating, here is what I would propose for Canada and you to begin talks:

First, we move the boundary between Canada and the U.S. southward to the 42nd parallel. The 49th parallel which defines much of the Canada-U.S. border west of the Great Lakes could easily be moved southward to the 42nd parallel. It is just a line after all.

By moving the border south to the 42 parallel, states such as Washington, Oregon — not sure we want Idaho — Montana, North and South Dakota (not sure we want North Dakota either), along with Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan, plus the bulk of Maine, would become part of Canada as a series of new freedom-experiencing and -loving provincial attachments.

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Establishing the border at the 42nd parallel would ensure that Ohio stayed in America. We really don’t want it anyway.

Second, Americans resident in the new extended provinces automatically become Canadian citizens with the same rights to complain about our federal government as the rest of us. Those not wishing to acquire the benefits of Canadian citizenship would have an option to move south to Texas or Florida or some other place closer to hell.

Third, and most importantly, our new Canadians would have very little need for their guns or the NRA other than as needed to hunt for food. Legitimate hunters still might retain their guns. But no more carrying weapons concealed or otherwise as Canadians (except in Toronto) don’t really have sufficient paranoia to warrant carrying guns.

Our new Canadians also would have access to an already overloaded low-cost health care system. They would have no need to wrap themselves in a flag and publicly pledge allegiance to a piece of cloth. Of course, our new citizens will need to learn to spontaneously apologize “I’m sorry” regularly in true Canadian fashion and in both official languages as needed.

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I’m sorry, did I forget to mention both French and English are used in courts and on cereal boxes in Canada?

And Canadians don’t wander the world looking for wars in which to participate so our new Canadians could rest assured that only if Britain is again attacked by Nazis would they be called to military service.

Finally, our new Canadians would have the opportunity to abandon those remarkably boring NFL football games and, instead, take up real sports like lacrosse or curling or even Canadian football with its larger field and three downs instead of your wussy four downs.

So, Mr. Trump let’s make a deal whereby states above the 42nd parallel join Canada so their residents may obtain real freedom well beyond pledges to the land of the free and home of weird politicians.

And if we can agree, we’ll continue selling you electricity and rare minerals and oil and gas and lumber.

Lloyd Brown-John is a University of Windsor professor emeritus of political science and director of Canterbury ElderCollege. He can be reached at lbj@uwindsor.ca.

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